AM I BROKEN?

When I am by myself I think a lot about the mysteries of life and how societal labels, views, opinions and judgements shape our way of thinking about ourselves, who we are and how we see others.

It leads me to the question, why do some people suffer, while others seemingly breeze through life?

Or is this just how I perceive it to be?

To my mind, nobody has it easy ALL the time. Perhaps many people have chosen to compartmentalize their disappointments, hurts, pain, and trauma, pushing down what silently begs to be noticed. Storing them in to the ‘too hard to handle’, ‘bottom draw’ of their mind.

Maybe they will get to sorting it out…or choose to never open that draw, instead locking it shut, hidden and safe from the judgement of others.

It’s understandable, as each person has different ways of ‘dealing’ with their ‘issues’. Choosing freely when they are ready ‘to go there’, if ever.

From my own experience ‘the bottom draw’ was a can of worms that lead to a barrage of undesired emotions and feelings. The flood gates opened as I began to sort out my own ‘bottom draw’ and it was something I couldn’t prepare for.

Overtime though, I gained clarity on a number of lies I was telling myself. Beliefs that had me unable to break free from disabling thought patterns. The need to be liked or loved by everyone had me giving more of myself endlessly, while accepting miserly scraps in return.

This was rooted in my family of origin upbringing, unfortunately. The lowly thoughts of not ever being good enough was imprinted in my subconscious as a child and inscribed on my heart as a teenager.

It has taken my whole life to see how this early treatment and loneliness had me spinning around for way too long. The reason, I believe, I was not ready to unpack my ‘bottom drawer’ where rejection and hurt were existing yet dormant, waiting to be acknowledged, when the time was right for me.

When circumstances got me to a place where I could no longer ‘bury my head in the sand’, I can testify that I did not know where or what to do with my emotions and feelings.

They would ‘leak’ out in a variety of ways, (anger, tears, sadness, heartache, distress) while arriving at revelation after revelation of what I had always known to be true, but would not accept.

Dealing with my emotions were not pleasant to watch or endure for the people who matter most to me. That’s what I call a hard time!

However, over time I was able to pinpoint what the real issues were and ‘accept’ my truth, rather than pretending I wasn’t hurt, that it didn’t matter, or that I didn’t matter. Accepting myself as weak, unlovable, naughty, bad, crazy or hard to deal with, (labels assigned to me) while convincing myself (lying to myself) that I was okay with the way things were.

Through the process I definitely have some scars and bruises which continue to heal over time.

The truth I have had to accept, but I’ve never considered myself to be ‘broken’.

My hairdryer stopped working when I dropped it on the bathroom floor, I considered it broken.

While washing the dishes, I chipped my favourite coffee cup, I don’t like chips, cracks, or broken things, so I threw it away!

Human beings aren’t things that can be ‘broken’ or ‘thrown’ away.

For those reading this who are survivors of violent trauma/abuse, pain and suffering, you are not broken, and can never be broken or thrown away.

In fact, processing your painful thoughts, memories and emotions with a professional counsellor, allow you the ability to realize your potential and know you are not broken at all, and give you the capability of choosing to live a happy fulfilled life - despite your history.

We can’t change the past and what has happened, but we can absolutely change every day going forward – one step at a time!

Choosing not to explore the ‘bottom draw’ and keeping it sealed shut will have long term negative effects in all your relationships…especially the one with your Self.

The relationship we have with our SELF is the most important one. I write about this topic in my book ‘Life Being In It” – available on Amazon.

I’ll take a leap of faith in suggesting it’s highly likely you are reading this article because you have a few bruises and scars of your own.

To have unseen emotional hurt is our human experience. Some people show their hurt (whilst unpacking their bottom draw) and many more choose not to go there, deceiving themselves to thinking their pain is hidden from others. It’s not.

Unless we explore our ‘bottom draw’ we are walking through life with ‘open sores’ which come across as ‘prickly’ to those who live or work with us.

Easily triggered default reactions and responses that may be considered ‘over the top’ or not handled in a ‘grown up’ way.

We may, or may not, be aware as to how our ‘being’ in life is affecting the people around us, however, we can change ourselves the moment we decide to open the ‘bottom draw’.

Writing from experience here!

When it comes to the human experience it is okay to presume, we all have open sores, bruises and scars of some sort.

It comes down to whether a person is ready to take responsibility for themselves and come to acceptance (the truth of the situation) because this is the only process to eventually being free and living our BEST life!

Its hard work, but truly worth the effort!

written by Teresa De Mouilpied-Moore

Author & Life Coach